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NFL Week 16 Picks

John Paul Starkey returns for yet another week and picks the winner of each and every Week 16 game around the NFL.

Hope you're on the nice list.
Hope you're on the nice list.
Jim Brown-USA TODAY Sports

It's a little bit sad that the NFL season is coming to a close -- it feels like we just kicked off in the Meadowlands on a Wednesday night just yesterday. Yet here we are in Week 16 -- and I'm here to deliver my weekly NFL picks, as is tradition for the past three years. Boy, time flies.

Regardless of how right or wrong I am this week, I hope you and your family enjoy a Merry Christmas.

Oakland Raiders (+9.5) at Carolina Panthers -- Man. Talk about a lump of coal in your stocking. This game really sort of, kind of, totally sucks. I'll take the Panthers at home to win, and cover, because of the whole west coast team playing an early game thing, but seriously -- awful game.

New Orleans Saints (+3) at Dallas Cowboys -- Oy. This is it for the Cowboys, huh? I really don't think the Cowboys are any good. Drew Brees is short. Well, short for a quarterback. The Saints really, really aren't any good this year -- and the Cowboys luck out because of that. If this were any other year, Dallas would be cooked, but they'll win on Sunday, and cover.

Tennessee Titans (+13) at Green Bay Packers -- Unless it's the 2007 Patriots, I'm anti two-score spreads. Aaron Rodgers FIGJAMs his way to victory, but CJ2K keeps it close and Tennessee covers.

Minnesota Vikings (+9.5) at Houston Texans -- Boy, the Vikings sure need a win don't they? Too bad they won't get it. Christian Ponder did marry Samantha Steele, but that's clearly the highlight of his week. What's the over/under on his divorce -- 1.5 years? I'll take the over -- barely.

Anyway, Texans win, but the Vikes cover.

New England Patriots (-14) at Jacksonville Jaguars -- Remember what I said about not taking two-score spreads earlier unless it's the 2007 Patriots? Well. 2012 Patriots apply, too. Patriots win, and cover. That's how bad Jacksonville is.

Indianapolis Colts (-7) at Kansas City Chiefs -- You really have to feel bad for Romeo Crennel and Scott Pioli. You do. If you don't, you're really an ass. Seriously. Anyway, the Colts win this game and cover -- but I'm totally rooting for Kansas City.

Buffalo Bills (+3.5) at Miami Dolphins -- The "Who Cares?" Bowl. Nobody cares what happens in this game. I don't care, and you probably don't care either. In fact, both fanbases are probably rooting for a loss for better draft position. I'll take the Dolphins to win and cover, just because they're at home, and for no other reason whatsoever. I guess Lauren Tannehill is good looking, and Ryan probably needs to impress her for Christmas. There's a reason.

Washington Redskins (-6.5) at Philadelphia Eagles -- RG3 is playing after all! Well, probably -- he received medical clearance to play, so I assume he'll be playing. If he does indeed play, then the Redskins will win, but the Eagles will find a way to cover.

Cincinnati Bengals (+4) at Pittsburgh Steelers -- Disclaimer: I really, really hate the Steelers. There's nothing to like about the Steelers, and I mean nothing. With that said, I'm taking the Bengals to win in the upset. Pittsburgh just isn't that good this year.

St. Louis Rams (+3) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers -- Greg Schiano looks like he's lost his team a little bit, huh? He'll get it back next year, but in the meantime, the Rams win, while Sam Bradford somewhat resembles a first-round draft pick.

San Diego Chargers (+3) at New York Jets -- Two sitting duck coaches? Oh man. First off, I have no interest in watching this game. Secondly, I mean, come on. Jets-Chargers? Whatever. I'm going to take San Diego just because Phillip Rivers can score points, while the Jets can't. But really. What a game.

Cleveland Browns (+13) at Denver Broncos -- Yeah, no. Broncos win, Browns cover. Book it.

Chicago Bears (+5.5) at Arizona Cardinals -- The Cardinals can't score. At all. There's no reason to think Arizona will win or cover. Jay Cutler wins, someway, somehow, and the Bears cover -- with ease.

New York Giants (-2.5) at Baltimore Ravens -- Yes, yes, yes. This is the Mortal Kombat "FINISH HIM." I hate the Giants with every fiber of my being, and this is it. This is when they finally go away, and their hopes of playoff contention vanish into the night. Baltimore finds someway to win, and they cover, too. Good night, New Jersey.

San Francisco 49ers (+1) at Seattle Seahawks -- Russel Wilson just isn't good. Sorry. 49ers win, and cover.

Be sure to follow JP Starkey on Twitter -- and feel free to tell him he's wrong.

Photographs by jamesbrandon, jdtornow, phlezk, flygraphix, mcdlttx, tomasland, and literalbarrage used in background montage under Creative Commons. Thank you.