Dear Dallas Cowboys,
It's me, KD. One of your biggest supporters.
Been with you guys for years and I've stayed true to my promise to never root for another. I can't thank you enough for all the joy you've given me through my formative years. As you know, I live in Redskins country and before the NFL came out with the Sunday Ticket and the huge internet explosion, it was pretty hard to catch you on television growing up.
I followed you every week through my dad's subscription to Sports Illustrated though, and was able to watch you on TV about 5 times a season. Sometimes it had to be on the non-cable TV amidst nine inches of snowy reception when you were on the local Baltimore channels, but I did what I had to do. Yes, I stood on one leg with the tin-foil rabbit ear extension. That's how much I care.
After a rough inauguration into fandom (1987-1990), you guys gave me back-to-back Super Bowl victories in my junior and senior years of high school. Right on the heels of our rivals winning their third in 11 years. To say you made life grand would be an understatement. You took a year off, but gave me another trash-talking semester my sophomore year at Hampton University, which happened to be watched amidst the greatest Super Bowl party I can remember. Mad Dog 20/20 and Paul Mason jugs used to be my friends, but that's for another post.
Anyways, I got to see you guys in person for the first time back in 2005. A business trip brought me to the great city of Dallas, and I made the journey to watch you all take on the division rival Giants. Great seats, 45 yard-line, 20 rows up at Texas Stadium. It was an ugly game, but the Cowboys were leading by seven with just under five minutes to go. New York drove down the field, all the way to the Dallas 3, when they brought in this big behemoth of a rookie running back by the name of Brandon Jacobs. He of 12 career carries.
On 2nd and 1 from the three, Jacobs got the ball and went up the middle to try for the tying score. It appeared to be a two yard gain, but there was no immediate whistle. It seems that safety Roy Williams, you remember him right? Well, Roy Williams had jarred the ball loose with a crushing hit, saving the touchdown and sending the crowd into euphoria. It was Jacobs first career fumble and I'm sure he remembers it well. Sure, the Giants would tie the score and send the game into overtime later, but the Cowboys won and BJ wouldn't even touch the ball for the rest of the game, or the next week. Good times.
Well, see, this Jacobs guy hasn't forgotten that play. In fact, he's made a history of exacting his revenge against this organization, it's players and it's fans ever since. The worst part? You guys don't seem to care all that much. We've had to witness him run wheel routes and outrace our entire defense. We've watched him score touchdowns and knock the Dallas Star off of the end zone wall. We've had to endure an endless stream of quotes where he disrespected any and everything there is to love about this franchise.
Then to top it all off, just three weeks ago, we had to witness him air-sodomize the Cowboys helmet painted in the end zone after scoring a touchdown. It was one of the most disturbing things I've ever witnessed on TV... and I subscribe to Cinemax.
There was no retaliation. There was no "aw, screw it, we're fighting this dude" moment to be found. What made it worse, was that after leading by 12 points, our defense let the Giants come back and win the game on, you guessed it, another Jacobs touchdown.
You know what this clown said yesterday? It's not even you that he despises. It's me. Well, me and the legion of those just like me that root you guys on in every city, nook and cranny around the globe. Don't believe me? Read this...
"Just everywhere you go you’ve got them Dallas fans, running their mouth about Dallas. They keep going. It’s not really the team and the star and all that. They’re just like any other team in the National Football League if you ask me. But their fans are the ones that have me really just feeling the way I feel."
Dude, I can't take this guy anymore. That meant that he was doing all that gyrating with me and my kind in mind. I don't get down like that, ever. He's from Cowboys Territory in Louisiana and apparently grew up with nothing but Cowboys fans around him. So there's that, too.
I've spent thousands over the years supporting you guys. I know you make millions and Jerry 1,000 times that. I'm not even asking for a Super Bowl victory as a return on the investment. At least not this year. All I'm asking is that you end this guys season on Sunday night. Make him walk down the tunnel to his home locker room and be serenaded by the Cowboys faithful that call New York/New Jersey their home. Rumor is that the Giants probably aren't going to resign the guy. Not only can you end New York's season, but you can end his career as a Giant. Who knows, if we're lucky, he'll have to sign with Cleveland in the off season. Maybe he'll have to join Terrell Owens in the IFL. Regardless, we need this.
So Cowboys players and coaches, if you feel you owe anything to us, your supporters, your believers, you owe us this.
Please. Shut Brandon Jacobs up. Immediately.
PS: There's supposed to be a "The F" in between the words "Jacobs" and "up", but I was worried about what my editor would say. Deuces.