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World Cup Predictions

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Hopefully you have been reading Liam's excellent previews of the World Cup Groups here on SB Nation Dallas-Ft. Worth. And while the DFW area might not be a Soccer Mecca the likes of England or Brazil, it is the world's most popular sport, and last I checked, the DFW area is amongst the world. So, I figured a place to house your best guesses, along with mine, at the world's biggest sporting event would be nearly as grand an idea.

We're 15 hours, 57 minutes and 22 seconds from the first match of the South African World Cup as I type this. As a soccer novice but World Cup enthusiast, I thought I would share my soon-to-be-in-retrospect-hilarious World Cup Predictions:

(Caveat: This is entirely silly and meant for fun and please don't hate me random Frenchmen that finds this entry some day. I'm usually not this willfully American.)

  1. Brazil will not win the World Cup. That's boring. Brazil isn't boring, mind you, they're exciting and amazing and they don't even set out to beat you, they set out to beat you with style and grace. You are Brazil's plaything. The idea is not for you to lose but for you to lose so beautifully that you just stop playing the sport because of a realization of how inferior you are. It's like a field of Elvis Andruses out there. However, Brazil winning is boring. It's like the New York Yankees winning. Only with amazingly beautiful women waiting to be statuesque and topless for your enjoyment and pleasure back in your home country.
  2. England will not win the World Cup. Why? Because they spit in the eye of the God of Soccer and he blinked. By talent alone, England should have a couple of Cups notched in their proverbial bedpost since '66. They don't, however. They're actually what people think of Spain when they think of collapsing in large tournaments. They won't win because they're England and England doesn't win. They're the Chicago Cubs. They're Charlie Brown. They're Charlie Brown with horrible teeth and other such ignorant stereotypes.
  3. France will not win the World Cup because Franck Ribery is sooooo ugly. No one that ugly can be successful. Also, you know, they're not a strong contender this year.
  4. The United States will not win the World Cup because, well, they're not good enough. There are probably 20 nations in the world that field better teams than the US. Some of them might not even be in this Cup (Russia, Egypt). It's kind of like if the NFL decided to hold a round robin football tournament and the Denver Broncos went on to win it somehow. It's just not realistic. But you know what? We're OK with that. Round of 16 or bust, baby! Landon Donovan will forever be the Pelé of our hearts.
  5. Spain will win the World Cup. The dam was broken at Euro 2008. Spain not only has the talent, skill and desire, they have a recent win to look back on. They are chokers no more. La Furia Roja is the best team at this World Cup and I will forever envy the celebration that happens in Barcelona once the team hoists the Cup.

Now for my full predictions without commentary so I can stop looking like a xenophobic monster:

Group Stage predictions

(Top two teams in each group advance)
• Group A – 1. France, 2. Mexico, 3. South Africa, 4. Uruguay
• Group B – 1. Argentina, 2. Nigeria, 3. Greece, 4. South Korea
• Group C – 1. England, 2. United States, 3. Slovenia, 4. Algeria
• Group D – 1. Germany, 2. Serbia, 3. Australia, 4. Ghana
• Group E – 1. Netherlands, 2. Cameroon, 3. Denmark, 4. Japan
• Group F – 1. Italy, 2. Paraguay, 3. Slovakia, 4. New Zealand
• Group G – 1. Brazil, 2. Ivory Coast, 3. Portugal, 4. North Korea
• Group H – 1. Spain, 2. Chile, 3. Switzerland, 4. Honduras

Round of 16 predictions

• France defeats Nigeria
• Argentina defeats Mexico
• England defeats Serbia
• Germany defeats United States
• Paraguay defeats Netherlands
• Cameroon defeats Italy
• Brazil defeats Chile
• Spain defeats Ivory Coast

Quarterfinal predictions

• England defeats France
• Argentina defeats Germany
• Brazil defeats Paraguay
• Spain defeats Cameroon

Semifinal predictions

• Brazil defeats England
• Spain defeats Argentina

Final prediction

• Spain defeats Brazil

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So there you have it, my predictions for the 2010 World Cup. Please feel free to make your own predictions as they are assuredly going to be more correct than mine. And remember folks, billions upon billions of people are going to be watching a bunch of soccer matches in this next month of thrilling action with the ultimate design of watching their country hoist a trophy. Even though this particular trophy happens to look like a golden scrotum...

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(You can't un-see it.)

It is important. And it is special.

Photographs by jamesbrandon, jdtornow, phlezk, flygraphix, mcdlttx, tomasland, and literalbarrage used in background montage under Creative Commons. Thank you.